Entry 9: In the Middle of It.
Last night, I got home at 12:32, and I looked at myself in the mirror and I cried.
It felt like I was seeing myself for the first time in a long time. I realized how much I had grown, how much I had changed, how much had happened. And in that quiet moment, alone in my room, tears in my eyes, I saw a glimpse of heaven.
Exactly a year ago from tomorrow, I experienced my first heartbreak. And it was one of the hardest things I ever went through. It was a time when I experienced the deepest depression, the greatest sadness, when I didn’t know how I would make it through each day. I felt like a failure, I felt worthless, I felt used, in more ways than one. I turned from God, I tried to fix myself on my own, but I was in too deep. I remember one particular moment on the morning of July 23rd. I was sitting on a plane alone, traveling to meet my family in Rhode Island after just coming back from a mission trip in Utah. I remember that emptiness in my soul, how desperately I searched for a reason to live, and how I couldn’t find one. I didn’t know how I would continue on another day. I remember a conversation with my dad just a few days later. I remember my prayer that night. I remember what it was like to wake up every morning feeling just as helpless as the day before. The devil had such a strong grip on me that summer, and I fell for every one of his lies. “You’ll never be loved again” “You are ugly” “You’ve let everyone down” “It’s all your fault” “you’ll never amount to anything” “your friends are sick of carrying your burdens” “your life is a waste” “your body is horrible to look at” “God can’t use you” “your family despises you’ “God doesn’t love you”.
I was broken, shattered, like a vase thrown hard against the wall. Scattered pieces with no one to put them back together. But I once heard someone say, “God uses broken vessels to allow his light to shine through the cracks.”
Somewhere along the line, amidst the chaos of my life, God met me right where I was. He put people in my life who put me back together- My best friends, my dad, my mentors. He made himself known in every place I was in, His presence pervaded my vision. He granted me clarity, and wisdom, and understanding. He showed up, in conversations, in prayer, in the little moments and the big ones. Whether I was at a theological conference or reading my Bible alone, God taught me who He was, and He poured out his love onto me. He helped me to grow, to turn to Him instead of indulgences for comfort. To make peace with my body. To discover my calling and the purpose for my life. He showed me what real love looks like— consistency and strength and healing.
This year, I completed two semesters of college classes. I preached my first sermon. I performed in Time Square in New York. I signed up for two mission trips. I cultivated new friendships and old ones. I made peace with my family. I came to love my body. I started dating my now boyfriend. I learned who I was. I discovered my calling. But most of all, this year, I found God. And He was right there the whole time.
Even when I thought I had let Him down, when I wasn’t doing enough, when I wasn’t looking for Him, He was right there the whole time, sharing my yoke, walking beside me, holding my hand, leading me out of the pain. Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” God used my pain to give me perspective. God used my pain to give me purpose. God used my pain to give me joy. God used my pain to bring me back to Him. And now, I get to look back on and reflect on a year where He was so prevalent, where I could see Him in EVERYTHING.
Some of you reading this may have recently graduated from High School or College. Some of you may be facing a change in your life. Some of you may be going through the thick of it. Some of you may be halfway through your life already. No matter what challenges you may be facing or what obstacles you must overcome, remember that God is with you in all of it. There is no such thing as broken, because it is by our cracks that God’s light shines through. And how can you call anything filled with light, broken? It may not be clear right now, but I can promise you, that if you just keep trusting God’s plan, God’s timing, it’s all gonna work out.
