Entry 12: Eighteen
Two weeks ago, I turned eighteen, and for some reason, all that I’ve been able to think about is when I was sixteen. Right before my birthday, I had to go to the DMV to get my license renewed, and I was excited to get my picture retaken. The first one is pretty bad, and I’ve always been embarrassed when people see it. But when I pulled out my old license to give to the DMV lady, I thought about what my life looked like two years ago, and what I thought it would like now.
When that picture was taken, I was still very much struggling with my self-image and body issues, spiraling into unhealthy eating habits. Our youth pastor was about to tell us that he wouldn’t be our pastor anymore. I stayed up late every night reading through pages and pages of AP textbooks. I was still just an understudy in all of the conservatory programs that I wanted to be in so desperately. I had no idea what I wanted to do after high school, with no intentions of going to college. I didn’t believe I would ever be in a relationship, at least anytime soon. I was struggling to have a relationship with my parents. I was burnt out from everything that I had put on my plate. Most days, I couldn’t stand to look at myself in the mirror and near the end of the year, I didn’t even want to wake up in the morning.
I remember so many times, after trying countless methods to numb how I was feeling, I would break down in tears. I would cry out to God, “please help me! I can’t do this anymore! I don’t want to live like this anymore!” I would often dream about what my life COULD look like, or more honestly, what my life would be if I was somebody else. My dreams for my future were primarily rooted in comparison with others, and if my life would just look more like theirs, then I could be happy. When I thought about the day when I would turn 18, I had the most clear and vivid image in my mind. And luckily, that’s not what happened at all.
My youth pastor never came back, but he planted a church that I got to attend the morning of my birthday. He even mentored me in how to preach a sermon, which I did this past spring. After that service, I went to my church for a reunion with Betty, the founder of Breaking Cycles in Guatemala, and the organizer of the mission trip where I discovered my call for mission’s work. My birthday was only 8 days after I submitted 6 college applications, 3 of which I’ve already been accepted into. I also registered for the last few classes I need to take to graduate high school with my associates degree. I’m in every conservatory program at my dance studio, and I have the lead in my favorite show. All of my closest friends graduated and left for college, but I’ve gained some of the greatest friendships with those younger than me, most of whom who texted me on my birthday or came to my house to celebrate. My relationship with my parents has healed, and I’ve celebrated my 8-month anniversary with the best boyfriend I ever could’ve asked for. And most significant of all, when I look in the mirror, I see something beautiful.
Not a single one of those things happened how I expected or wanted them to. And there were so many moments where I felt like I would never be ok again, where I wondered, “is there even a point?” But what made my birthday so beautiful, is that time stopped for a second. And I looked behind me. At everything I had been through. Everything I had experienced. And I saw so clearly, that yes, there is a point. There’s a reason to get up in the morning. There’s a purpose for my life.
And why is that? Because there’s a God that is good.
There’s a God that loves me and has a plan for me. Who sat with me in my darkest moments, and rejoiced with me in my greatest ones. There is a God who listened to me, as I told Him how terrified I was of the future, even though He already knows everything that will happen. A God who loves me enough that He won’t shield me from hard things, because He knows that joy is so much greater after pain. There’s a God that gave up his life for me, that would do anything for me, even when I keep making excuses not to spend time with Him.
The night before my birthday at 12:10 am, I sat on my bedroom floor and I strummed my guitar as quietly as I possibly could, singing and praying. At the time I wasn’t sure why, but I started crying. I could barely say a word, I was crying so hard. But now I know, it’s because Jesus was sitting there next to me, legs crossed on the carpet, singing along with me. And together, we said goodbye. Not to pain. Not to bad feelings or hard moments. But we said goodbye to my 16-year-old self, that doubted God’s plan. That didn’t believe that her life was good, because it always was.
You guys, God has a plan for you. And I promise you, that it is NOTHING like you expect it. Because it is so much better! One day, you’re gonna wake up and you’re gonna be 18, or 21, or 35, or 60 and you’ll just be in awe at everything that God has done in your life, and how even when you didn’t see Him, He was still working. Never forget that God has a plan for you, He sees you, He loves you, and He has so much in store for you.
