Why am I here?

I’ve officially been away from home for only 16 days, but it’s felt like a lifetime. In such a short amount of time in Hawaii, I’ve already experienced so many highs and lows and a few unexpected turns.

The month before I left for Hawaii, I actually wavered in my walk with God.  With something so exciting around the corner, I found myself struggling to prepare, and instead falling back into old habits and sins that I haven’t dealt with in 2 years. God felt so far away, and as I packed to leave, I wondered what God must think of me. Getting ready to leave, telling everyone how excited I was to do missions work, when deep down I felt like I didn’t even know him anymore. I would lie awake at night, looking for God, but I couldn’t find him.

My first few days at YWAM were a whirlwind of orientations, new people, walks to the pier, and adjusting to dorm life with quite a few roommates. But from the very beginning, there was this feeling in the pit of my stomach. Like I didn’t quite belong, but I wasn’t sure why. I started making friends with people who were in a different DTS program called “extreme places”. I would join them for worship, early morning workouts, and dinner, but I felt like an imposter. To be honest, wherever I was on campus, I felt out of place. In worship I would ask God, “why am I here?” I questioned his plan and his purpose. I wondered if this season of my life would really be as good as I had hoped.

After a week of begging God for answers, I had a one on one meeting with a staff member in the admissions office. I told her about my wrestling, mostly hoping for advice on how to be content where I was. But she told me it may be possible to switch and she would talk to my leaders. The next day, the leader of my DTS came up to me and explained that it was completely possible to switch and it was up to me what I chose to do. This only increased my anxiousness and frustration with God. At some points, I felt like he was telling me to stay. To stay in the uncomfortable and lean into the challenge. But at other points, I felt his heart for me, and the ways that he wanted to pour into me through the other program. Finally, I said to God, “Lord, you know the desires of my heart. You know that I want to change programs. If you want me to stay, close the door and I will be completely content where I am. But, if you want me to take a leap, open the door to extreme places and I’ll take it.” The next day, an email notification appeared on my phone: “you’ve been accepted into the extreme places DTS”. God’s answer couldn’t have been clearer.

I moved dorm rooms, met all my new classmates, and got my new schedule for the coming quarter. My incredible roommates were nothing but supportive and happy for me as I moved out, and I was instantly surrounded by people who had the same fire and excitement to serve the Lord in incredible ways. But I still had one question in the back of my mind: “why would God put me in the Kona DTS just to tell me to switch after a week? Why wasn’t I in extreme places from the beginning?”

But then I realized something. If I had arrived on base and immediately gotten swept up in the amazing experience, I would’ve completely missed what God was trying to say to me. If I had arrived and fit in immediately, I wouldn’t have stepped away, sat with God, and talked to Him as intentionally as I did. If I had started out in the extreme places program, I never would’ve met the amazing friends and roommates I have in the Kona DTS. When I transferred to extreme places, it wasn’t that God had made some kind of mistake and I had to make up for it. Quite the opposite. He intentionally put me in a situation where I needed to chase after his guidance. He forced me to confront the ways that my will wasn’t aligned with His plan, and gave me the opportunity to practice hearing his voice. He put people in my life that I wouldn’t have met under other circumstances, and revealed the heart that He has for me and those around me.

So what’s the moral of the story?

I think that so often when we follow God’s directions, we think that everything will work out perfectly. I thought, “God led me to YWAM so when I get there, I’m gonna have a perfect, life changing experience and love every second of it.” But often, God takes us on little detours that FEEL like a waste of time. You get to the promised land, and the milk and honey isn’t as good as you thought it would be. But in reality, these periods that feel like a mistake are actually an important part of God’s plan- they shape us into the people He needs us to be to do what He’s called us to do.

I’m excited to continue writing about my journey at YWAM, and all of the incredible things that God is doing through me and around me!