Hot Water
In your senior year of high school, there’s one question you get asked constantly— “What are you doing next year?”
I find it funny to look back at all the times I was asked that question, because my answer was constantly changing. As I worked through what I wanted to do, what I wanted my life to look like, and where I felt like God was leading me, my answers reflected that wrestling.
When I announced that I was committing to the University of Utah, I thought that wrestling was over. I had spent the entire month of October submitting college applications and trying to narrow down my large list of potential schools. I fell in love with Utah, got accepted, and I felt like God was leading me there as a first step towards stepping out on my own- out of my home state and out of my “normal”. I felt peace in my college decision and anticipation for the upcoming year. Utah would be an amazing opportunity to grow in my faith, finish out my degree, see my friends again, and experience college. I started looking for a roommate, applying for financial aid, and making my plans for next year.
When my Dad graduated High school (the same age I am now) he joined the Marine Corps for 4 years, and then was honorarily discharged after completing his contract. Due to a complication, he wasn’t able to re-enlist and so he continued living in San Diego, California where his base was located. He told me that one day, he was taking a shower and wrestling with what to do next. Should he go home to Minnesota or stay in California? All of a sudden, the shower water turned really hot. And that was his answer. He came back to Minnesota, met my mom, found his dream job, and built a family. I always listened to that story with awe, but also a bit of skepticism. I mean…don’t we make those decisions ourselves? How do we know God is actually leading us one way or another? What if my dad just had bad water pressure? Or what if the water just confirmed a decision he had already made?
Two weeks ago, I was driving home from class on a Monday afternoon and a thought popped into my head. “Why am I going to college next year?” You see, it’s always been my dream to go to YWAM, a youth mission program, but my plan was to finish out college and then go. And I had a lot of good reasons for this decision- stay ahead of my peers, get the college experience, deal with college applications while everyone else is, etc. but in that moment, none of those answers seemed right. I started racking my brain, trying to come up with other reasons why I was making the right decision, but nothing really satisfied me. I kept the thought to myself until Tuesday morning, when my mom and I were talking about my college budget. We figured out how I’d be able to pay for college, which was my biggest barrier to going to Utah, but I still had that nagging thought. I brought it up to my mom, expecting her to give me a rational reason why I needed to go to college but she just said, “you have two really good options. The only way you can make a decision like that is to do what makes you happy, not what you think other people want you to do.”
The next day, I met with my dance teacher, Kelsey because she was helping me audition for the Utah dance minor program. I decided to tell her that I was thinking about YWAM, because she was offering her time for an audition I might not use. I expected her to say that it would be smart to keep dancing as much as possible. But she told me, “I studied abroad in Europe for two years after I graduated, and it was easy to come back to dance again. You won’t regret going out and seeing the world.” After we filmed my audition, I texted my friend Halle and asked her about her experience with YWAM and her transition into college afterwards. I expected her to say how difficult it was, and how much it set her back. “It completely changed my life and transformed my heart. I wouldn’t be where I am today without YWAM.” As I drove the rest of the way home, I started praying and I realized how scared I was. As I prayed, I called out to God, “This is my dream! And I know if I go to college next year, I might never have the chance to do it again. But what would other people think of me? What if I had to give up dance forever? What if I missed out on college with my friends?” I had this fear, because this was real. For the first time, the decision was completely up to me, and it was really hard to imagine next year not as I planned it.
The next morning, my mom and I were talking about the pros and cons, and my dad came downstairs. He had just gotten back from Boston for a business trip, and my mom encouraged me to fill him in. I hesitantly told him that I’m thinking about YWAM next year, half expecting him to ask me all of these critical questions he always seemed to ask me about college. But instead, my dad looked me in the eyes and he said to me, “Abigail, these past few weeks, I’ve really been struggling with the idea of you going to college. It doesn’t make sense to me why you’d waste years at school when all you want to do is be a missionary.” And finally, I realized that all of my fears, they were just in my head. That everyone else in my life could see what I couldn’t- that God was calling me to something good, even if it wasn’t what I expected. “But what about my plans?” I said to my dad. “Plans are meant to change.” He said.
That was my hot water. And as the days went on, God just kept turning the faucet.
As I told my closest friends and mentors about my decision, I still expected them to be disappointed that I wasn’t going to college. But instead, they surprised me with just how happy they were for me. It was almost like, everyone knew what I was meant to do EXCEPT ME. I’ll never forget how my boyfriend looked at me when I told him, or how excited my best friend was, or the tears in my mentor’s eyes. I realized I was so caught up in what other people expected of me, that I forgot that what they expected was for me to do what God led me to.
In just one week, the Lord taught me an important lesson: Depending on him doesn’t always make sense. Sometimes it means going against your plan. Sometimes it means choosing to do what scares you. Sometimes it means paying attention when the water turns hot. That No matter WHAT you choose, God can still use you, He will still be with you, and He always has a plan for you. Living life with God isn’t about trying to have the perfect plan, but trusting in His perfect plan. It’s not about trying to take a step in the right direction, but to take a step, even when you’re not sure what direction you’re going. Psalm 119:105 says, “your word is a lamp onto my feet and a light onto my path.” God will be with you whatever decision you make, and He will lead you to the purpose He has for your life. Through people, through his words, and yes-even through that gut feeling.
I pray that every single one of you reading this post would know this: that whatever stage of life you may be in, that God has a perfect plan for you, and He’s walking beside you every step of the way. Often, you can’t see how he’s working, or why he’s leading you a certain direction, but that doesn’t mean He isn’t. I never would’ve imagined this is where God would take me, but I couldn’t be more grateful that He did. I can’t wait to keep telling you all about it!
